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12 February 2010 @ 03:52 pm
Science Abuse, Peep Show, Mark/Jeremy (R)  
Title: Science Abuse
Author: valderys
Fandom: Peep Show
Pairing: Hints of Mark/Jeremy, Mark/Johnson
Rating: R
Word Count: 1,000
Notes: Written for picfor1000. And I'm sort of sorry about this? But it's what the picture brought to mind… :)
Summary: Was Mark Corrigan really the sort of middle-class, middle-rank executive who should be getting himself involved in anything that could be described as a circle jerk?

It was fascinating, really, Mark thought in a slightly hysterical way. It was amazing how he managed to get himself into situations like this. He didn't really know how he had managed to end up on his own living room floor - and really couldn't they have just gone to whatever doss-house Super Hans was using at the moment - in order to take part in… what could only be described as a circle jerk.

Now was he the sort of middle-class, middle-rank executive who should be getting himself involved in anything that could be described as a circle jerk? No, he was not. And it wasn't even rhetorical, it was a straightforward, flat-out no. Said in a clear, calm managerial voice in his head. No, Mark Corrigan was not the sort of person who should be involved in anything as sordid, as messy, as that.

Mark looked around the room, at his carpet and his curtains and his TV - his pristine leather sofa was right there. What if it got… splashed? Cleaning up would certainly involve more than a small sponge-full of washing-up liquid. Dettol - maybe he could drench the place in antiseptic? How much was steam-cleaning anyway?

He glanced about - a wobbly sort of glance, it had to said, because at least he, Mark Corrigan, hadn't become involved in something like this sober - to observe the others that shared this dubious honour. Super Hans, and Jeremy of course, and Kevin, that friend of Jeremy's from the chip shop, where he'd worked for practically a day and a half. Which was almost a record for Jeremy, as it happened, and Mark had bought him a celebratory beer as a reward - just in case positive reinforcement worked. And, of course, sat next to Mark, almost so their elbows brushed, and Mark could smell the scent of his aftershave when he moved, was Johnson.

Which probably explained Mark's involvement, really, when it came down to it. He couldn't refuse Johnson - he'd never been able to. Truth be told, he didn't really want to try. Johnson wasn't sober either luckily, Mark could hear how his breathing was both rapid and shallow, and he was still clutching his wine glass. Johnson had been a bit off the rails since JLB Credit went under, it couldn't be denied. And with the baby coming, it wasn't as though Mark got much chance to relax either. That had been his In. Jeremy had thought it would relax them. Relax them both. And he'd had a scientific experiment to conduct too, which seemed to fire Johnson with enthusiasm. Although it bore as much relation to actual science as watching Brainiac, in Mark's opinion, although he darkly suspected that it didn't really matter.

So here they were. On Mark's living room floor, conducting experiments. He looked around - Super Hans had the banana, Johnson had the tissue delicately imbued in balsam, Jeremy had the buttered hot-dog bun, and Kevin had the high-heeled shoe filled with jelly - which was particularly dubious. Where did Kevin get the shoe from? Was it his wife or girlfriend's? Did he have to go into a shop and buy it? What happened to the other half of the pair? Really the questions were endless.

Mark, by the way, had the sock.

"Right then," said Jeremy, his voice soft and kind of hoarse. It made a shiver prickle up Mark's shoulders. "When I say Ready-Steady-Go, we spank away, and the first one to shoot his load gets to win. And then we compare notes. Experiences. That kind of thing. Yeah?"

And what does the lucky contestant win, Mark thought. An endless supply of lube? The eternal humiliation of his peers?

But it didn't stop Mark rubbing away with the best of them when Jeremy shouted 'Go'. His sock was one of his own - at least he knew where it had been - and was cotton-soft against his prick. It was easy to hide himself inside it too, pretend he wasn't really doing this, although his cheeks still felt hot, and his skin was too tight, and he couldn't get a proper rhythm going, but kept fumbling it instead. Great - tomorrow they'd be saying that Mark Corrigan couldn't even wank off properly. Just fucking marvellous.

But then Mark looked around at his titular mates and ex-colleague, and realised they weren't going to notice or care. They were caught up in the moment. In their own moments. The jelly was squeezing out obscenely from the shoe, Johnson's head was thrown back and he was grunting as he thrust into his own hand. Mark blinked and tried not to find it erotic - he didn't think he'd quite succeeded.

Then he looked further around the circle, as far as Jeremy - Jez, his oldest friend and flatmate, the bane of his existence, the bastard - and found himself transfixed. The long bun fit him just nicely, and the butter obviously helped with lubrication, while the bread seemed to retain enough friction to make things interesting. Jeremy was bent over, concentration creasing his forehead, and a frown tugging at his lips, as his prick slipped in and out of the parted jaws of the bun. It went beyond obscene, and well into the realms of the most perturbing pornography Mark had ever managed to liberate from under Jeremy's bed, which Mark found ironic, even as his own hand sped up, involuntarily, on his own dick.

He couldn't help but make a noise in the end, a small gasp that was barely audible, but it was enough. Jeremy looked up, even as he continued stripping himself, his fingers tight on the bread, indenting it, a sheen of sweat gracing his neck. Jeremy stared right into Mark's eyes, and then he licked his lips, before grinning, wicked and rude, and entirely for Mark. Everything offered on a plate, it seemed - literally. Mark couldn't look away.

And even more disturbingly, he came.

emmzzi on February 12th, 2010 05:13 pm (UTC)
lol. that was hilarious! although possibley the least erotic erotica ever, it is MAGNIFICENT!

*sits back and waits tto see who finds it a turn on in voyeuristic way*
Valderys: David Mitchellvalderys on February 13th, 2010 02:46 pm (UTC)
The least erotic erotica ever - hee! Sounds like Peep Show to me :) Which was why I've had the 'plot' idea for a month and had to think about what fandom it fitted - it's such a sordid picture, isn't it? It had to be Peep Show!
smirnoffmule on February 12th, 2010 05:18 pm (UTC)
Oh wait, I have to stop LOLing for long enough to comment...

LOL. Yeah, the picture. There's not much else you can do with that is there? I have to scroll down so I can't see it so I can not laugh long enough to take. This is awesome, though. Great Mark voice, and I love the image of Jez wanking off with a hotdog bun. Could totally see it happening.
Valderys: David Mitchellvalderys on February 13th, 2010 02:49 pm (UTC)
Yeah - I got that picture and I've thinking about it for weeks - it was always going to be a wank fic, wasn't it? :) I just had to decide on fandom and it was icky enough that Peep Show fitted. My first piece of Peep Show fic - my cherry, it is popped!
(Deleted comment)
Valderys: Mitchell and Webbvalderys on February 13th, 2010 02:51 pm (UTC)
Excellent! And imagine the eyebrow I raised when I went internet researching (for strange masturbatory aids - the jelly and the shoe, she is real... :)
κάτι τρέχει στα γύφτικα: _gnaw_inbetween_ on February 12th, 2010 05:57 pm (UTC)
Oh yes, without the last lingering look that could so be an episode, and that's exactly what Mark would be thinking :)
Valderys: David Mitchellvalderys on February 13th, 2010 03:03 pm (UTC)
In an episode there might be more swearing :) Maybe. And Peep Show plays with its slashy overtones, so there's no guarantee about the look either, I reckon... I want to see that episode. Oh yes.
κάτι τρέχει στα γύφτικα_inbetween_ on February 13th, 2010 03:34 pm (UTC)
We still might :) after all there'd been m/m blowjobs and admitted gay love towards Johnson. Here's hoping for more seasons in any case.
Valderys: Mitchell and Webbvalderys on February 17th, 2010 08:53 am (UTC)
I think they've both got tendancies to swing both ways, as the writers think it's funniest - oh, and they've got the go ahead for the next series!
κάτι τρέχει στα γύφτικα_inbetween_ on February 20th, 2010 02:12 pm (UTC)
That's great (I'm getting sick of extroverted macho bullies taking him apart in quiz shows :))
Ros: DM: sex penguinrhosyndu on February 12th, 2010 09:56 pm (UTC)
*howling with laughter*

The prose was brilliant -- pitch perfect peep show -- but I have to admit that it was the piccy that made me actually laugh until I cried.

Awesome, absolutely awesome.
Valderys: Mitchell and Webbvalderys on February 13th, 2010 03:05 pm (UTC)
Tell me - could I have written anything else, after being presented with that picture? :) Matching the right fandom took *much* longer...
matchsticks_pmatchsticks_p on February 13th, 2010 08:42 am (UTC)
Hahahaha! Amazing where your mind immediately went with that picture! Hilarious and awkward and just the kind of crazy shenanigans the Peep Show boys would get into. Really enjoyed reading it. :)
Valderys: David Mitchellvalderys on February 13th, 2010 03:06 pm (UTC)
Hee. Surely where everybody's minds also went? I hope so - or I'm alone on this mountain of innuendo... :)
the Legs, the Nose and Mrs Robinson: Billy surprisedmatildabj on February 13th, 2010 01:50 pm (UTC)
Oh.... brilliant. Perfect Mark inner voice. And just the kind of thing he'd find himself doing, even though he absolutely hated himself for it! Great job.
Valderys: Mitchell and Webbvalderys on February 13th, 2010 03:01 pm (UTC)
Oh yes - with only a thousand words I couldn't show how he got there, but trust me - it would have been excruciating! :)
prochytesprochytes on February 14th, 2010 05:43 pm (UTC)
Tee hee. Poor Mark. I do not know anything about him, but I can already feel myself wincing in sympathy.
Valderys: Mitchell and Webbvalderys on February 17th, 2010 08:56 am (UTC)
That sums up Peep Show pretty much - it's all about the wincing in sympathy while trying not to writhe in embarrassment too hard :) If it wasn't Mitchell and Webb I don't think I'd even watch it, because it hits my embarrassment squick so strongly - but they *are* good, and it's very well written. Sometimes if it gets a bit much I pause it on the screen and walk around a bit until the embarrassment has passed...
the color is rainbow: approved!!!fivil on March 31st, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)
Totally brills - offputting and yet really engaging, just like Peep Show fic should be. :D
Valderys: Mitchell and Webbvalderys on April 1st, 2010 11:09 am (UTC)
Squicky but you love them anyway - that's exactly how I think of the Peep Show boys. Thank you so much!
Dafnadafnagreer on April 4th, 2010 03:20 am (UTC)
Not sure how I missed this before, but this is hysterical. I agree it could be an episode.
Valderys: Mitchell and Webbvalderys on April 7th, 2010 03:01 pm (UTC)
Yay! (Keep an eye out - having not written Peep Show before, I'm writing it twice this year. My dark_fest fic is Peep Show too :)