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21 January 2008 @ 01:50 pm
Wag the Dog, Torchwood, PG-13  
Title: Wag the Dog
Author: valderys
Fandon: Torchwood
Pairing: Captain John/Captain Jack (implied), Captain John/Blowfish
Warnings: Hints of inter-species, including bestiality
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1,000
Notes: Written for picfor1000. Prequel for Torchwood 2.01 Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang - *SPOILERS*.
Summary: Captain John Hart hangs around Cardiff. Well. Someone has to.


He doesn’t mean to watch them, but then, he’s never been one to resist temptation. It’s a little like having pets.

He even gives them names.


***


It’s been much harder finding the pieces of that bitch’s puzzle than John had initially thought it would be, so now he’s been stuck in this miserable armpit of the galaxy for weeks. On and off, anyway. Is it any wonder that occasionally he wants to take the edge off? Once or twice wants to let off steam? Surely anybody would understand if they’d ever spent as much as a rainy weekend in Cardiff.

John flips a switch on his wrist-band and, using the residual energy from yet another opening in the rift – bloody hell, power’s cheap around here – moves into the past. Or is it the future?

Nope, those stupid bobbing beanie-hats are from the past, he’s pretty sure. Although all pasts and futures are relative to his current now – and aren’t time mechanics fun? Pity he only scraped the class, but then he got to lick his way into Puul’s bed, and she read paradoxes for both of them until the moaning became too much. Who said learning couldn’t be enjoyable?

He tries a ‘disco’ – they’re new here, now, and it’s pathetic, but still amusing in a retro-oh my god what are they doing-kind of a way. The drugs are cheap and easy though, so it’s not all bad. It passes the time.

***


He notices the Carer first, all shiny hair, and shiny teeth, and shiny eyes. She’s the leader, apparently. It’s all so sweet. If Jack’s energy signature, his scent, wasn’t all over her, he might even have been interested. For a second. But as it is, he just watches and thinks about screams of pleasure turning to something else. He deals with it as they taught him in rehab, sublimate the desire elsewhere. His hands curl into fists.

***


John picks up the blowfish after he bounces out of a rift almost at his feet. It’s the… present? – so the being’s a bit obvious, but who cares. John’s hankered after a minion for a while now.

Besides, whey-faced humans and their creatures are all he’s had for ages, so he fancies something a bit different. And though the blowfish is a touch too clammy for John’s usual taste, the creative things he can do with his spines are entertaining, and his breath control is amazing.

Pity he also has a desire for the high life, which is scarcely satisfied, although John can hardly blame him. In fact, given the quality of the high life available in Cardiff, John positively empathises. Having a minion to corrupt is fun, but it’s not getting him any nearer the canisters. In that, unfortunately, the blowfish is as good as useless.

Such is the loneliness of command.

***


As he keeps watching, he sees that the Doctor and the Technician are always together, although he doesn’t think the Doctor’s noticed yet. It’s sad really, she’s a pretty little thing, but she trails around after the Doctor like she has no self-respect. He wants to show her that she can blossom without the attentions of some self-absorbed arrogant bastard, but then sniggers to himself. Apparently something from compulsory self-awareness training stuck, after all. Who’d have thought.

***


The blowfish turns out to have expensive tastes, and in a moment of weakness (alright, passion) John may have mentioned the diamond. In passing. It turns out not to have been a good idea.

Well, he never claimed to work well in a team.

Chummy-chops ups and absconds with the pyramid, although it’s not that John can’t track him – with the energy signature he’s giving off, a blind child out of phase with the universe could track him – but calibrating a jump that short is tricky work so close to the rift. John comes out in the right place, but hardly the right time. He shows a leg, and doffs his imaginary hat to a startled lady in a wig. Her hair is so rolled and powdered it reminds him of those silly animals that are sometimes pets on this planet. Cats? Ducks? The name escapes him. As indeed, does John himself, when a hue and cry begins. He’s offended – they might at least have waited until he’d done something. Or someone.

Honestly, some people are so touchy.

***


He watches the Eye-candy Office-boy most of all, although he appears above ground the least. He can almost see Jack’s sticky fingers all over him. In his hair, on his skin. He wants to smell him, to lean over and lick his neck. To hold him down and fuck him, while Jack watches. It’s an ambition.

***


It’s typical, but of course John’s too late once he gets back. The blowfish is all over the local authority’s channels. Something about a stolen car, dead cocaine dealers, a Halloween mask. Oh dear, what a bloody shame, but it’s hardly the end of the world, now is it?

John smiles, licks his teeth. No choice now, is there? The pretty, pretty team can help him. Now that Jack is back (he shivers, his palms sweating, wanting to fawn like a feline, wanting to fucking kill something) now that Jack can hear him again, wrist straps in sync (moving perfectly together, salt on the tongue, wrists aching in the tied straps) now John can call him.

It’s not so hard, giving in to what you’ve wanted all along. Sod the vicarious enjoyment. Fuck living for Jack’s scent on Team Torchwood. (Remember, you don’t know what they’re called, you don’t know anything, you’re whiter than white, Captain John Hart, at your service, yadda yadda.)

He needs a drink. Maybe several. Hell, maybe he’ll count down each minute with a shot. Is that a good idea? Bang bang.

***


Later, he’ll remember the animal that the wig resembled. A poodle. Of course. How much fun can one man have with a poodle? The answer: as much as he damn well likes.




 
 
 
darkseaglass on January 21st, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
I really liked this. You nailed Captain John's voice and his mercenary practicality. Blowfish spines, lol.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 21st, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
I hope the spine thing wasn't too dodgy? Silly thing to ask, I know, but this is my first fic in this fandom! :)
darkseaglass on January 21st, 2008 04:48 pm (UTC)
No, not too dodgy at all--not for me. I meant the lol as a compliment. It fits him, and it was playful and fun. I hope you write more in this fandom.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 21st, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
Ooh, I think I will, although I hope the inspiration stays, even if the standards of KKBB aren't maintained - talk about opening on a high! :)
Azziriaazziria on January 21st, 2008 05:05 pm (UTC)
Thanks for making me laugh - I really enjoyed this. You got Captain John's voice off to a T - brilliant.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 21st, 2008 11:26 pm (UTC)
Nice. Dry and sarcastic, that's me :) Thank you very much.
Tanja: Jack/Johnoanja on January 21st, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
Yay! I've been dying to read a fic about John. ^^
I really liked how you described him and his thoughts.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 21st, 2008 11:27 pm (UTC)
Just a little vignette. John has been muttering impatiently in my ear since Wednesday! :)
lilithbint: needlilithbint on January 21st, 2008 07:30 pm (UTC)
very nicely done,
loved his thoughts on the team and the blowfish.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 21st, 2008 11:28 pm (UTC)
Yay! I just wanted to fill in the gap - how John met the blowfish, how it all came together. There would have been more detail, I think, if I could have written more than a 1000 words.
the Legs, the Nose and Mrs Robinson: Jack loves handmatildabj on January 21st, 2008 07:39 pm (UTC)
AWESOME. Going to rec, yes.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 21st, 2008 11:33 pm (UTC)
Aww. Thanks, hon!!
do you want orcs? because this is how you get orcs: JM: and take you to your special islandkita0610 on January 21st, 2008 07:52 pm (UTC)
Oh, *hell* yes.

"(he shivers, his palms sweating, wanting to fawn like a feline, wanting to fucking kill something) now that Jack can hear him again, wrist straps in sync (moving perfectly together, salt on the tongue, wrists aching in the tied straps) now John can call him."

GUH.

Awesome John voice. Loved this.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 22nd, 2008 11:37 pm (UTC)
Fantastic icon! Yay! Thank you so much!
the writing is the storyfodian on January 21st, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
Oh, very well done. I could *hear* Marsters saying all of this; I love a good, tight POV and you definitely pulled it off.

I also loved your explanation for how John knows the Blowfish. I'm thrilled to have come across a theory that makes sense.

And this: Remember, you don’t know what they’re called, you don’t know anything, you’re whiter than white, Captain John Hart, at your service, yadda yadda. Oh, *John*.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 22nd, 2008 11:41 pm (UTC)
Well, he *is* a compulsive liar, remember? And there was no advantage to John in giving up the fact he's been working with the blowfish for weeks, now is there? :) And I loved John's voice. And I suspect I'd have written for Spike if I'd been part of the fandom then, so it makes sense...
AstroGirl: Winsome Jackastrogirl2 on January 21st, 2008 08:56 pm (UTC)
This is really cool. As others have said, it seems to get his voice and personality down really well. Plus, it fills in a nice, prequel-shaped gap.
mallochaimallochai on January 21st, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
Oh YES. I loved this. It was whip-smart, and sharp as hell.
mallochaimallochai on January 21st, 2008 10:50 pm (UTC)
d'oh, sorry, misreplied. God, I've been doing that all day! *smacks self in the hand*
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 22nd, 2008 11:44 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your comments, although I don't know how you misreplied - I got both comments anyway! :)
mallochaimallochai on January 23rd, 2008 03:50 am (UTC)
lol, yes, I just meant that I replied to the comment above me, instead of commenting directly to you. Of course you get them all. Bah, nevermind, I'm a silly ass. And you're welcome!
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 22nd, 2008 11:43 pm (UTC)
Yep - it seems like Torchwood is one of those shows that cries out for fixing, and the plugging of holes! But it makes the creative juices flow, after all, which can only be a good thing! Thanks, hon!
Chaos: Masterorder_of_chaos on January 22nd, 2008 12:30 am (UTC)
This was very, very good. Exceptional. Felt just like John. I loved it.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 24th, 2008 06:33 pm (UTC)
He's easy to channel though - since dear James Marsters seemed to be channelling Spike, and he's very easy to hear in your mind - or is that just me? :)
Chaosorder_of_chaos on January 25th, 2008 02:13 am (UTC)
Well, I thought he was channelling Spike and I've never even seen BtVS - just read whole piles of fanfiction. So, not just you :-P
DarthHelloKittydarthhellokitty on January 22nd, 2008 03:28 am (UTC)
That sounded so like John, and explained several things the ep left unexplained!
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 24th, 2008 06:34 pm (UTC)
Well, I like plugging the gaps - that's a trope of mine. I do like explaining things to my own satisfaction, since the show doesn't!
Lotripper: david street smilemsilverstar on January 22nd, 2008 03:37 am (UTC)
Wicked fun, very much in the style of the show and totally works for me.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 24th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
My first foray into Torchwood as it happens - but probably not the last! :) Thanks, hon!
dancing till the world ends: torchwood going down by lynnelynnenne on January 22nd, 2008 03:58 am (UTC)
Beautiful writing and great characterization.

now that Jack can hear him again, wrist straps in sync (moving perfectly together, salt on the tongue, wrists aching in the tied straps)

And HOT. Whew! Nicely done.
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 24th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
My smut is best like this - in small doses! My prose tends towards the purple otherwise :)
Kalypso: Dr Ecclestonkalypso_v on January 22nd, 2008 05:18 pm (UTC)
As he keeps watching, he sees that the Doctor and the Technician are always together, although he doesn’t think the Doctor’s noticed yet. It’s sad really, she’s a pretty little thing, but she trails around after the Doctor like she has no self-respect. He wants to show her that she can blossom without the attentions of some self-absorbed arrogant bastard

Might be more than one Doctor, there...
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on January 24th, 2008 11:55 pm (UTC)
I did think about this - I know the wording's confusing, but unfortunately the blowfish in the episode used the word Doctor, not Medic, which I would have preferred in order to avoid that self-same confusion! *sigh* Hoist on me own canon, m'lud :)
Kalypso: Dr Ecclestonkalypso_v on January 25th, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
Oh, I wasn't complaining! I thought it was terribly clever to put in a line that could refer to more than one Doctor!

Though I think Torchwood see Jack as the mirror of the (usual) Doctor; hence the conversation with the psycho ex about their old base gone, and only seven of them left. Last of the Time Agents, anyone?
karaokegal: jbpinstripekaraokegal on January 22nd, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC)
I really like this version of how it happened, as it helps fill in some of the logic gaps in the plot, as in how the hell the blowfish knew about the team.

Your John is brilliantly written and even sympathetic, especially the bit about the "self-absorbed arrogant bastard." Oh isn't he just and they all want his attention?



laazikaatlaazikaat on January 24th, 2008 10:05 am (UTC)

Just brilliant! Your Capt John voice is excellent. I could hear every word being spoken.

May I archive this?

My site is Spander files which is primarily Spike/Xander, but I've just started to collect fic from other fandoms, and Torchwood(Jack/John) is one of them.

This story would make an excellent addition, if you would be kind enough to let me have it please.



Lotripper: david street smilemsilverstar on February 24th, 2008 08:04 am (UTC)
Definitely good stuff!
Mrs Darcy: Capt. John by kazzy_ceeelisi on April 10th, 2008 09:56 am (UTC)
This. Is. Gorgeous.

And the best Capt John fic I've ever come across - the style really, really works and he comes across perfectly vividly. Marvellous!
zanthinegirl: Jack up to no goodzanthinegirl on April 30th, 2009 02:27 am (UTC)
Here on a rec; that was gorgeous and fascinating!
Valderys: Torchwood - Jack/Johnvalderys on May 1st, 2009 07:31 am (UTC)
Thanks very much - and recs are always pleasing!